Writing From Disappointment, Pain, and Anger
I’ve always been a writer, but I didn’t always know that I HAD to write. I found out quickly while in relationships that writing kept me sane and helped me to not do the crazy woman brain-dump thing that guys hate. You know, that’s when a woman just dumps out all her frustrations about the world, but he ends up feeling like she’s blaming him for everything, and she doesn’t know how to make him realize that it’s just her “venting.”
Maybe that’s just me… I’m sure no other girls do that. (haha)
Well, I learned 15 years ago that writing helped me to process my feelings before I let them lose on the world. Taking time to think and vent in writing was something that friends and family began to suggest if I looked angry or stressed. I learned that it was absolutely what made me be more of myself and helped me to know myself better.
All this to say, I still have issues with trying to keep things to myself and figure them out alone. I disconnect and internalize rather than get out the junk. Even with my relationship with God, I lose trust in Him periodically and want to shut down from Him rather than depend on Him for wisdom and guidance.
Recently, I have been overwhelmed by stress in just about every area in my life.. Haven’t we all? With the economy, inflation, insecure employment, the Ukraine, and the obvious spiritual battle going on all over the world, it feels like it’s unbearable at times.
Sometimes this life sucks bad. Like, is anything good? Is anything going right? What’s the point of all of it?
We forget our purpose and path and next thing you know, nothing makes any sense.
I watched a reel (that I can’t for the life of me find again) describing what happened when Tenth Avenue North sent their song Worn to the radio stations. It said that the radio station wanted them to change the ending of their song to make it more hopeful. They said that they couldn’t change it. That God doesn’t always change everything we want Him to change using the lamentations in the book of Psalms as an example.
It made me realize that when I disconnect from God rather than cry out to Him, I’m missing out on moments of intimacy that I could have had. We lose out on that intimacy with God when we can’t lament to Him about our lives.
This realization hit me. HARD!
How often do we shut down our sadness and put on a positive, hopeful face, so we look like we trust God when inside we are hurting and broken? We think and people tell us these things:
- If you are sad, just be thankful for what you have!
- If you are hurting, remember that there is someone else who has it worse!
- If you are broken, just pretend that everything is fine!
But that’s not what the Psalms do:
“Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD! O Lord, hear my voice! Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!” Psalm 130:1–8 (ESV)
That sounds pretty demanding… are we supposed to talk to God that way?
“Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” Psalm 10:1 (ESV)
Seriously though, Lord…
“I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.” Psalm 6:6 (ESV)
That doesn’t sound like thankfulness.
“All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.” Psalm 38:9 (NIV)
I feel this so much in this season!
“Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.” Psalm 42:7 (ESV)
I feel like I’m drowning, too.
As I have been reading these Lamentations, sure, it makes me sad, but not more sad than I was before. I am giving the Lord, my Comforter, my hurts and pain. I don’t want the pain just to disappear; I want even this season to be used for His glory. I want all parts of my life to be used as a testimony for His goodness.
- Even if He doesn’t magically transform everything.
- Even if He doesn’t give me what I want.
- Even if I feel the pain longer than I hope.
He is good, no matter what. He has saved me. He has given me a new name, a new identity, a new future. I don’t want to live life thinking He’s a genie that is at my beck and call. He is God. He knows the Beginning and the End. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is YAHWEH, the “I am.”
If I must stay in the depths for me to worship Him, then I’ll enjoy the dirt.
If I don’t see breakthrough on this side of Heaven, then I will stay dependent on Him.
I will trust in Him in all the hurt and pray that when I cry, I cry out to Him.
I fall back Into the Depths consistently through my relationship with God. That’s why I wrote a book about it. In our highs and lows He is good and guides each step. Even in our disobedience, even in our brokenness, in all things, He is with us and only one turn or look away.
