Addicted to Chaos (Poem)

Photo by Simran Sood on Unsplash

I get it. I was there once.
I was addicted to chaos.

I didn’t know how to enjoy peace.
To enjoy people who were content.

I thought things were only right
when there was yelling, discontentment, and struggle.

I thought that this is what relationships were about.
It felt normal. It felt right.

So I get it. But I’m at peace now,
And chaos doesn’t feel right anymore. I can’t be in limbo any longer.

I still fall back into chaos though.
I feel like at any time things will fall. That joy is too good to be true.

In that state, I ruin my own happiness.
Living in survival mode.

Finding contentment in survival mode seems crazy, but it’s normal to me.
But the chaos isn’t. The not knowing.

It took a while to free myself of the desire for chaos.
Years, in fact.

I had to change what I was seeking. To not seek out the broken.
The ones I could fix and have hope in.

Finding people that were mostly whole… was that even possible?!?

I wanted people who didn’t want me or love me.
I wanted someone I could change.

Learning to say “no.” That I could say no was a hard lesson to learn.
I could finally decide my own future.

I didn’t need to be okay just because they are.
I didn’t have to wait for them to decide, for them to end it.

I was always waiting, but then in taking control, I realized
I had a say, too.

I’m not a victim of my circumstances or of the people who want to use me.
I can make the decision and be confident that it was right.

It doesn’t mean you're a bad person or that I am.
But I don’t need to stay just because you won’t make a decision.

That decision must be made.

I am supportive, encouraging, and extraordinary.
And you are too, in the right circumstances.

I don’t need perfect, but I need present. I need clarity. I need endurance.
I don’t need zero chaos; we will fight. We should fight some.

I don’t need chaos anymore. I don’t need to be okay with that.
And I hope that someday, you find a life and love without that, too.



Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Jessica L. Moody MaE (Curriculum Specialist)

Author of Into the Depths: Pursue Your Calling Through Intimacy with God. USMC Vet, educational consultant & Phoenix Chapter Lead of the Kingdom Writers Assoc.