Addicted to Chaos (Poem)

Photo by Simran Sood on Unsplash

I get it. I was there once.
I was addicted to chaos.

I didn’t know how to enjoy peace.
To enjoy people who were content.

I thought things were only right
when there was yelling, discontentment, and struggle.

I thought that this is what relationships were about.
It felt normal. It felt right.

So I get it. But I’m at peace now,
And chaos doesn’t feel right anymore. I can’t be in limbo any longer.

I still fall back into chaos though.
I feel like at any time things will fall. That joy is too good to be true.

In that state, I ruin my own happiness.
Living in survival mode.

Finding contentment in survival mode seems crazy, but it’s normal to me.
But the chaos isn’t. The not knowing.

It took a while to free myself of the desire for chaos.
Years, in fact.

I had to change what I was seeking. To not seek out the broken.
The ones I could fix and have hope in.

Finding people that were mostly whole… was that even possible?!?

I wanted people who didn’t want me or love me.
I wanted someone I could change.

Learning to say “no.” That I could say no was a hard lesson to learn.
I could finally decide my own future.

I didn’t need to be okay just because they are.
I didn’t have to wait for them to decide, for them to end it.

I was always waiting, but then in taking control, I realized
I had a say, too.

I’m not a victim of my circumstances or of the people who want to use me.
I can make the decision and be confident that it was right.

It doesn’t mean you're a bad person or that I am.
But I don’t need to stay just because you won’t make a decision.

That decision must be made.

I am supportive, encouraging, and extraordinary.
And you are too, in the right circumstances.

I don’t need perfect, but I need present. I need clarity. I need endurance.
I don’t need zero chaos; we will fight. We should fight some.

I don’t need chaos anymore. I don’t need to be okay with that.
And I hope that someday, you find a life and love without that, too.

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Jessica L. Moody MaE (Curriculum Specialist)

Author of Into the Depths: Pursue Your Calling Through Intimacy with God. USMC Vet, educational consultant & Phoenix Chapter Lead of the Kingdom Writers Assoc.