5 Things to Stop Saying to Single Parents
Thinking It’s Going to Help
Generally, I’m a positive person, but at the moment I want to whine and complain at my plight… joking, kind of. I have everything I need, and my kids are fine. I just get sick of hearing these things from people who “mean well.” I’ve been a single mom for about 8 years and this will not change any time soon, so I’m at the point in my life where I’m going to be ruthlessly honest. These are the things I’m sick of hearing:
- Call me if you need anything.
I’m sorry, but we aren’t going to call. This feels like virtue signaling to us. You are saying the right thing so that you’re off the hook.
You don’t need to do anything for us, that’s not what we are asking for. We will do what needs to be done. We are survivors and we will figure it all out alone. But if you’d like to really help, take a second to think about what you’d like if you were in our position.
- A gift card for a pedicure or a haircut
- A golf day or day of fun
- Some groceries
- A prepared dinner for whole family
- Babysit
- Just be a friend to vent to, we aren’t asking for money. Some support and a listening ear is what we need.
2. Well at least you’re not (insert anything that you think is worse).
This is true for anyone in a challenging situation. When you feel like you're drowning all the time through grief, stress, loneliness, and overwhelm, the last thing you want to hear is a friend talking about how someone else has it worse. That’s not helpful at all.
I was whining to my brother last week, and he mostly listened. (He’s good at not trying to compare my life to someone else's and since he’s been married for over 10 years, he’s learned some things about communication.) He thought a minute and then asked me something that really helped. “Who would you switch your life with? You have to switch the good, the bad, the responsibilities, and everything, but you would lose what you have.”
I thought for a minute, and even though I’m insanely overwhelmed with life, there is no one I would give up my kids and my life to become.
3. Don’t worry; you’ll find someone.
Saying this indicates that a single person isn’t complete or happy without “having someone.” It also indicates that we are existing until we meet someone.
I’m sure there are single parents who are dating constantly to find “the one,” but often, I see that many single parents are still dealing with a lack of trust in others and themselves, a broken heart, and learning to live life with their kids without a partner.
If people haven’t gone through the healing process to overcome these hurts, they are most likely not ready to “find someone” anyways.
4. You just need to (insert another thing to put on their already overflowing plate).
Your suggestions about what we “should do” add to our overwhelm and guilt for the things that we already aren’t doing. We try to do everything but we can’t and many of us are carrying constant guilt.
We learn over time through absolute necessity that we can’t do everything. Sometimes the pressure and guilt become almost too much to bear. We are forced to learn to boldly say “no.”
These are the things I choose not to do in this season of my life.
- Volunteer for the PTA
- Help in kids' church
- Put the kids in after-school sports
- Weekly commitments that don’t put money in my pocket or drain my time.
The easiest way to decide if your suggestion is helpful or not is if your suggestion is taking something off their plate rather than adding to it.
5. I could never be a single parent.
Yes, you could be a single parent. If you had to, you’d figure it out.
Do you think that we asked for this? You think that we were like, “I am different. I CAN be a single parent, unlike everyone else. So let’s make my life as hard as possible.” SMH! No, no one chooses to be a single parent.
We aren’t looking for pity. We aren’t looking for suggestions. We are definitely not looking for more guilt. We already have all that taken care of without people’s unhelpful suggestions (hopefully I’m not talking to you).
Yeah, life will go on. We will figure it out with or without anyone. The things that must be done, will be done. But the things that are options and draining won’t be done, and we learn to be okay with that.
Thanks for listening to my rant. It was helpful and therapeutic. What am I missing?
